For any of you that are friends with me on Facebook or Pinterest, you know that this gal has been doing A LOT of pinning lately. I think I've created at least five boards just in the last week alone. Boards dedicated to my home and creating a safe haven for my kiddos and my husband. Possibly just that nesting instinct kicking in on month 7 of this second pregnancy; but I think it goes back to watching my mom and my grandmothers put time and effort into creating homes for their families.
When I was little, I spent more time playing house than I spent time doing anything else. And I've heard it said that whatever you spend your childhood chasing and doing and creating is what your dreams are really made of. That doesn't mean those dreams are going to come easily to you or feel like a dream every day; but I firmly believe that in the innocence of childhood we can know what path we were created for.
That's why, though I had not given it much thought for my future since my childhood and had pretty much dismissed it in lieu of other personal pursuits, I can't say I was surprised when I found myself suddenly called to the path of motherhood. It did not necessarily come in the timing I expected as a child, but there was some excitement as I realized a lifelong dream of mine was being granted.
But guys, living out this dream of mommyhood and marriage in real life is hard.
Right here, if you are already married, I want to encourage you to download the Focus on the Family Marriage podcast. I only started listening just a few weeks ago, but man have I already gleaned so much from my time spent listening to these little 10 minute tidbits of wisdom shared from couples who have been there before me! Tuesdays are my best days for listening as I try to dedicate Tuesdays at work to cleaning the office; I can have my earbuds in, volume turned up, while I vacuum or fold laundry or bleach bathrooms.
Jacob and I were going through one of the toughest tests of our marriage just about a month ago; I enlisted the advice of my grandmother who is a Godly woman, has been married since her teen years, and is a fantastic influence the Lord has placed in my life, and she pointed me toward these podcasts. I am so grateful that she did! I now understand that my marriage is something that I must purposely think about and intentionally pursue. My marriage is something I must spend time on, even when Jacob and I aren't together. If I am not intentional about cultivating good in my marriage, the Devil will be intentional about cultivating bad in my relationship with my husband. I've watched it happen first hand not only in my own marriage, but also in those of others.
If you want the love to last a life time, you must be intentional and proactive. One of the tools I have found super useful in just getting me to purposefully think about my marriage is this podcast. Go ahead and download and listen in.
Not only is marriage difficult in its seasons, but so is mommyhood;
and I just want to take a second to apologize to my own mom for ever acting or believing or thinking that I knew better than her about parenting before I had kids.
Mom, I'm so sorry for my arrogance.
I'm only nine months into this and so many times I've already thrown my hands up in the air saying, "I have no idea what I'm doing."
So much for knowing everything at 17.
I'm pretty sure I actually say that outloud at least once daily: "I can't do this!" or usually "I don't know what I'm doing!" Literally. Outloud. Sometimes in tears, usually because I've already tried plans A, B, C -- all the way through Z and things still aren't what they're supposed to be.
My "I can't do this" is always uttered with a prayerful and surrendering heart as if to say, "God, I've tried to do this in my own strength, now it's Your turn!"
Whatever that means, right?
Last night Katie was throwing tantrums, driving us both insane, utterly refusing to go to sleep (for like the fourth night in a row at least); and I realized something: He's not going to come walking through my door to take over like, "Oh, Sam! It shouldn't be this difficult on you! You don't deserve this! Here -- you go put your feet up and I'll take over. Don't you worry about a thing -- relax."
Unfortunately (or I feel like it's unforutnate in the moment of utter exhaustion), the way God works His strength in our toughest situations is through us.
Having prayed my "I can't do this" locked away sobbing in my bathroom after already over an hour spent trying to soothe my stubborn child, I knew He said, "I can;" but in order for me to see and for Him to actually work, I would have to be His feet and walk right back into that nursery. I would have to be His hands and pick up my screaming, snotty-nosed, stubborn child.
And as a result, I watched Him love and comfort my child through me.
So often I pray for God to show me how to parent.
I watched as He guided my arms to rock and comfort my upset and oh-so-tired daughter. As He guided my hard, selfish heart to open up and have compassion in the midst of impatience. That was not something I could even start to do or feel in my own impatience and frustration and exhaustion.
He didn't say, "Take it easy."
He said, "Do what is difficult and watch Me work."
Denying self is not fun. Spending another hour learning patience with a stubborn child is not fun. But God definitely gives us grace for the moment -- if we ask for it.
"God cares more about the refining process of our hearts than our personal happiness." (Vicki Courtney, "Ever After")
You are not alone, mama. Choose to lean on God, for He is with you in every single moment of this mommyhood journey. Only He has that perfect peace and love and compassion and patience that we need to be graceful mamas. And oh how encouraging it is to know that He will willingly and freely grant us those gifts if we simply ask for His help.
