My 2018 Year End Review

Hey y'all,

Instead of just re-writing my Christmas letter for everyone (if you want to be on that mailing list, just let me know), I decided I would do something a little different: reveal my 2018 resolutions.

You want a peek into how I defined the last year before it had even started? Read on.

New Year's Resolutions for 2018 (I kept these in a note on my phone and gradually updated some of them as they needed):

• Read 1 book a month, or 12 books for the total year.

January: "The Eighty Dollar Champion", "Unglued",

February: "A Portrait of Emily Price", "The Magnolia Story", "Wuthering Heights", "Capital Gaines," "Two By Two"

March: "Sparkly Green Earrings"

April: "Weaving the Strands"

August: "The Austen Escape"

September: "Emma"

Somewhere in the year: Phantom Stallion books 1-4 (and most of 5), listened to "Girl Wash Your Face" on Audible (Jacob's Audible history is way more extensive)

Began many others, and read much of my Bible.

This was a pretty successful resolution, mostly thanks to the fact I had a newborn to nurse for the majority of the year. Things definitely tapered off after he started solids and began weaning. When we moved to Cedar Creek, my husband and I began waking a few minutes earlier and had a regular coffee date and read time, so that helped to pick it up again. Then we got horses; and now we're slowly getting back into the swing of literary education in the evenings before bed. *high five*

This is her waking me up at the butt-crack of dawn. Oi.

• Save money according to my weekly chart.

Don't ask me where or what this chart is. 

Although, that being said, I did learn a lot about unique ways to save $$ and how to keep track of our finances better. And we did save a lot more than we had the year(s) prior; and that was with two kids in diapers. *double high five* 

• Exercise at least 30 minutes every day.

I'm laughing (and crying) so hard right now. I'm not about to sit here and tell you that I slacked; but boy did my reality of "exercise" vs my vision of it for this year look as different as night and day.

Context: I was fresh after having my second baby in exactly one year and I suffered from postpartum in every way. lol Yes, there was some body image issues driving this goal; but mostly, I just wanted to move after nine months of working a desk job and getting fatter with pregnancy. Ugh.

There were some days when I crammed in a desperate yoga sesh in my living room, or even payed for a class at a studio to get some bestie time in as well. But I had no idea how much I would move just taking care of two little people, much less adding so many animals to the mix. Again: laughing so hard right now. I'll count this resolution as completed.

• DO NOT GET PREGNANT (it's for real in all caps)

WIN WIN WIN WIN!!!!!!!! 

Moving on.

• Continue eating "organically"

I think we're all laughing at the quotes; but let's appreciate my realness, here. I'm lucky to get an entire meal some days. lol Knowing that, I try to make the food I do get to swallow really count. Mama's need fuel more than any trucker out there. Make healthy choices for the sake of setting an example and just being able to take care of your littles, ladies. Drink that glass of water before downing that next glass of wine (or coffee). Have a bowl of nuts out to grab snatches of when you're passing the kitchen on your way to the laundry room. Make your dinners really count!! 

Something I noticed? Making sure we all sit down to a single family meal at the end of the day already means the world to my kids. Weird, huh? With toddlers that just want to pretty much snack all day, and a super picky husband (you're getting better, honey) I honestly envision dinner time as my most important boxing round as far as my family's -- and my own -- nutrition goes. Some days, my husband doesn't get to eat until supper time, either. If this is the case for you, make sure you've got a well-rounded meal prepared and ready to eat before calling it a day. It doesn't have to take forever, ie a ton of prep, and it doesn't have to break the bank to make sure your family is getting the nutrients it needs for success. 

• Pay off hospital debt

We did knock out about 90% of this particular debt in the first six months of this year! *fist pump!* Then we found a "surprise" cost leftover from Mason (dontcha just love those?) and then hubby's knee gave him a fit near the end of the summer that racked up a few more bills. But nothing near the grand total that we were staring in the face on January 1st of 2018, and for that, I am grateful. 

• Spend one day a week at the barn

• Cut some new horse trail's at Dad's

Needless to say, these are both checked off for the year, but, once again, differently than I expected. God doesn't forget your dreams, ladies, even if you do. I'm so happy/lucky to have my pony-boy back home with me again, even if we're currently on the recovery train from having to share a paddock with a "monster" aka young mare.

• Learn 2 new piano songs

I actually did this, thanks to Christmas. lol And to Mamaw T. for surprising me with a copy of intermediate carols, pre-season. ;) 

• Have lunch with a friend once a month

This was a little on the 50/50 side of being completed, though I did try. Sometimes it meant lunch. Sometimes it meant the bribery of ice cream while they tagged along on an errand run. Other times it was an exercise class. We made some new mom friends this year, and that meant sometimes we actually got to have other kids over for lunch and a play date. It may not have been once a month, but it was more often than I've made time for in a long while. Thanks for being patient, friends. You know who you are. 

Me on the left, my 17yo brother, and my 19 yo sister at Thanksgiving.
Oh, and my 12 yo sister on the far right, there.
(there are 7 kids in my family.)

• Have family game night once a month

So, some time in the last 18 months, we all (Jacob's Dad's family) decided we don't see enough of each other. Thus, we began scheduling regular dinners at our house that turned into late nights playing games and laughing our heads off. This year, the goal was to aim to have at least one of these nights once a month. We were able to accomplish this goal, more or less; and I hope to see this as an established habit for the next year. So much fun.

• Make Jacob a priority in every way

Obviously, this one is a littler harder to gauge. As does every marriage and every season, we had our ups and downs this year. At the end of these last 365 days, though, I am happy, proud, and so grateful to report a strong marriage union with my husband. Not everyone can say that, no matter how long they have been married, how young or old they are, or whether or not they have kids -- a happy and confident marriage is not everyone's year-end summary. And my heart breaks for those people.

Praise Jesus, alone, for the grace that exists in my marriage. I am one blessed woman.

A Final Word

I feel like when you have a young family, it's rare to live a full year without much change. And so many things can play into that change: when you're young and new to this "family thing", you're still trying to find your niche in the world -- as a person, much less as an entire family! So there's that settling down and settling in process. Some people are lucky enough to find that settled feel good vibe with the first house they live in. For others, it takes a few houses over the span of a few years (as has been the case with our little family). Praise the Lord (and my husband's family), I think we're finally done searching, at least for a little while.

It's so easy to take all of my hopes and dreams that I've carried from the time I was a small child, and envision them all coming true at a place like Cedar Creek. I have been very blessed. There's just no other way to state it. I am looking forward to the next year spent here in our new country house. I've planned a great big garden, many horse rides, maybe a few more additions to the farm. I'm planning for more fun times with family, more laughs, hopefully fewer tears.

But mostly, I'm planning on leaning more into God and letting Him shape myself and my journey, day by day.
(Jacob and I already started a plan to read the Bible in chronological order in a year. I've never read through the Bible before, though I've read much of it.)

Wherever you are, whatever your year holds for you, take heart that this can be your single goal, as well.

A Word About Failure -- From the Word

Hey y'all,

As you can see from my last post, I've been recently reading under the topic of "children" in my Bible. I realized I had some negative thinking, and I was searching for Truth to counteract.

Since finishing that brief study, it only makes sense that I would next gravitate to the topic of "failure;" because I have yet to meet a parent who doesn't feel like one, and I'm at the very front of that line every single day.

Last weekend, God put me on a lonely stretch of beach with children a hundred miles away and my husband across the street watching tv in the hotel room just so He could really grab my attention over this topic right off the bat. (Which is a good thing, because I have been ultimately distracted during my quiet times this week. Satan really doesn't want me to learn these truths about failure. Probably because the Truth sets me free.)  I encourage you to take a moment to sit with your Bible in hand, and read these passages along with me.

The first passage I read was Joshua 1.
God had already promised their land, their home, to His people many times. Here they are, standing on the very edge of this promise about to be fulfilled -- and God has to tell them four times to be strong and courageous in claiming His promise and its fulfillment. He has to remind them again that He is with them, that He goes before them, that He has provided a future for them.

"'I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you.'" v.5

In the same passage, He implores us to study the Word so that we will have success and prosper -- so that we will know these promises that we are supposed to cling to and watch come true for us as believers. During His conversation with Joshua at the beginning of this book, He closes His words by reminding us yet again that we are to be strong and courageous because He is with us wherever we go, whatever we face. Even through our failures. Is that not love?

In summary: we are to be strong and courageous in claiming the promises and Truths that are ours as believers. 

This was a phenomenal introduction before reading the Truth concerning my failures. The passages that the Lord took me to on the following days were unexpected in such a study, but they were definitely powerful. 

Romans 3:23-26 was the next passage that I read. My friend, Hope (along with the Israelites in Joshua) reminds us how human it is to err:

"Have you ever "messed up" something so bad that it made you want to crawl back in bed and hideaway for a time? Have you ever let someone down? Or have you ever said something you wish you could take back but it's too late now? Have you ever experienced the feeling of "falling short"? 
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You're not alone. 
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To mess up, to fall short, to sin, to disappoint ourselves and others, 
- is to be HUMAN. 
We all live in this space. 
Let's not pretend that we don't. 
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It keeps us humble. We are not so different from each other, so before condemning another for their choice of words, or their actions (or the lack thereof), let's remember the grace we ALL need. The grace to cover wrongs, missteps, or honest blunders because we -none of us- are perfect. 
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And let's start with ourselves. I know how to overlook someone else's wrong, or bad choice of words or when they do or don't show up in the way I needed them to... but for me the particularly hard part is living with myself, giving grace to myself when *I* mess up. When I am the one with the poor choice of words, when I am the one who lost my temper, when I am the one in the place of weakness and temptation. When I fall, I often want to kick myself hard; I lose sleep over it, I stress and worry about it, I don't even want to try again. I'm relentless with the replays and how I could and should have done better. I rewrite the story only a million times and mourn the fact that it doesn't change it. You may not be like me, but I know some of you are out there who do the same. It's not even over "big" stuff, often it's the little things that get me the most. 
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So I want to remind you of something to anchor yourself to on days like these, you're normal 100%. We've all done stupid stuff. It's ok to fall short, you can learn and grow from the experience. 
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To YOUR FEARS I say- 
1. To the fear that no one (or a certain someone) will not be able to look past it and love you through it, that's not on you, that's on them. 
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2. To the fear of being seen for all the flaws and imperfect person who continually falls. You are seen, and you are loved, loved deeply. So much that God Himself died for you as you are."

(This was a Facebook post she made the very day I was reading Romans 3:23 for myself. How cool is that?)

The next day, my "failure" reading took me to Romans 5. I was supposed to be there for verse 8; but because I prefer to take things in context, I read around this verse and discovered the gem that is verse 21: 

"...so that, as sin reigned in death, even so, grace would reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

And I realized something: Sin is everywhere. Death is everywhere. The consequences of the Fall are everywhere. It's hard to get away from them.

But even more prevalent than sin is grace, because Jesus came and died.

That can be encouraging to me in my failures because I now know that there is even more grace than there is sin. Think about that powerful Truth for just a minute and what it really means for you as a person. 

My attitude is rough this morning. I have failed all over the place and it's not even 10am. 

 And I was wondering: Is repentance even necessary with an omniscient God? Can't we just not speak of my mess ups and move on? Especially knowing that there is already more grace in the world than sin. 

WELL. My failure reading this morning took me to 1 John 1:8-9, which was sooooo appropriate for such thoughts as I had this morning. I didn't realize it right away and was wondering how these particular verses were even applicable to failure. But then I gave them some real thought (as distracted as I am this morning with 2 toddlers, a horde of animals, a heap of chores, and a smart phone). (Katie is currently on the potty and yelling at Mason for riding his car into the bathroom.)

Truth: I shouldn't gloss over my sins or "mess ups." That's like me saying that I have not sinned (v. 10). 

Verse 9 clearly encourages me to confess when I mess up. God wants me to be real with Him.

These verses in 1 John are really twofold: Sin does not condemn me anymore because once saved, always saved. (Let's say that louder for the people in the back.) However, sin can be used as an important tool to bring me ever closer to God, in the way of confession and repentance. 

When I admit that I messed up, that I can't do this perfectly by myself, I am reminded of my complete dependence on the grace of God -- and that is all He wants for me. 

If I am a believer, walking in the light (v. 5-7) then my sin that is going to happen should bring shame. Shame should lead to confession and repentance. Confession and repentance brings about closeness with the Father, without Whom, I don't stand a chance.

Finally, I read Hebrews 10:36. 

Actually, I read this passage before heading to 1 John; but I wanted to put it last because I want to leave you with a major Truth bomb I found. 

At first, I didn't understand why this verse was included in my failure study. The book of Hebrews was a letter written to the first century church during a time of great persecution. The Jews-turned-Christian were greatly discouraged and nearly ready to throw in the towel and revert back to Judaism, the religion of their families and nation. Hebrews was written to remind them of the Gospel and encourage them (and honestly, to remind them that once the Truth is revealed to you, there is no going back without consequences). 

The point is: faith is hard sometimes. The process of sanctification is painful and long and often means going against the flow. 

When my failures seem overwhelming, and my faith in God's promises to me is hanging by a thread, and I feel totally ready to throw in the towel on trying, I need to remember the last part of Hebrews 10:36 -- and what this whole life is all about:

"For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised."

That which was promised to us is eternal life. 

Even though I fail, and my mess ups feel overwhelming, I don't have to despair because my long-term game is already taken care of. The only reason my failures mean so much is because, as a believer, I desire to please Jesus and honor Him with my life in everything that I do -- which is important.

But the key word here is that I don't have to despair because the thing that matters most -- my spending forever pleasing Him perfectly -- is already secured, a sure thing.

So, really, my failures on this earth mean nothing at all, to me as a believer.

*drop mic*

Psalm 127 -- The Parenting Psalm

Hey y’all,

I don’t always enjoy being a parent. Shocker.

The job is hard, demanding, time-consuming, wreaks havoc on my body physically, emotionally, and mentally. Especially with two small toddlers, many days I feel like a slave and they’re constantly cracking the whip over my head. Laugh all you want, but many of you know what I mean. Many days it seems that as hard as I try and as many steps as I log onto my fitbit to serve these tiny people, I am never good enough, fast enough, etc.

To make things harder, I live in a culture that constantly tells me that I had my babies too young, before I could even start enjoying my life. My culture bombards me almost daily with the message that I am missing out while I am running myself into the ground to take care of the people around me. Because that’s encouraging and makes me want to do my job even better, right?

Here’s the thing: yes, being a mom and wife can feel just like a job some days (only let’s note here that I don’t get to clock out.) But let’s not forget that being a mom and wife is really a calling. We generally only feel called when there are people to help and to serve. A calling we often consider to be our life’s work. A calling is oftentimes our legacy.

I could do an entire blogpost simply based off of that paragraph; but I’m really just trying to briefly redefine motherhood for those of you who feel burnt out before I present my real topic for this post. My real point that I want to get across to you today is the Truth that counteracts a lie I found myself believing up until recently.

Anybody can do the math and figure out that Katie Jo was conceived out of wedlock. Our wedding anniversary is in May and her birthday is six months later to the day. It is not something I am proud of. Growing up in a Christian home, I knew better about premarital sex and what a big no-no that is for a child of God. (Not because it is rule, but because it takes away from the beauty of life.)

So, now we’ve got motherhood as a hard, demanding job that I don’t always enjoy; we’ve got a surrounding world that tells me that I’m missing out and possibly wasting the best years of my life; and we’ve got the shame of a sin I committed that resulted in my entrance into this hard, demanding job. Is it any wonder that I began to see my children more as consequences to my wrong actions? Translated: I began to view my children as a punishment for my sins.

It may not be that black and white and dire for everybody. But sometimes all it takes is for me to think, “Sex=baby. So, if I hadn’t had sex – or maybe even married my husband? – then I wouldn’t be having such a hard time right now, and I may even be enjoying my life, like everybody else my age.” This kind of thinking can be so fatal to your most important relationships, SO STOP. Stop it right now.

I’m serious. God wrote a very important Psalm to us mothers for times when those tiny little influential voices want to wreck everything. Let me share it with you now:

Psalm 127

“Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it; unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman keeps awake in vain. It is vain for you to rise up early, to retire late, to eat the bread of painful labors; for He gives to His beloved even in his sleep. BEHOLD, CHILDREN ARE A GIFT OF THE LORD, THE FRUIT OF THE WOMB IS A REWARD. LIKE ARROWS IN THE HAND OF A WARRIOR, SO ARE THE CHILDREN OF ONE’S YOUTH. HOW BLESSED IS THE MAN WHOSE QUIVER IS FULL OF THEM; THEY WILL NOT BE ASHAMED WHEN THEY SPEAK WITH THEIR ENEMIES IN THE GATE.”

Obviously, I added the emphasis on the last half of this chapter (yes, that was a whole chapter. Reading your Bible doesn’t have to take hours, y’all.) BUT LOOK AT ALL OF THE TRUTH HERE that we can use in our arsenal against these terrible terrible lies that we are believing as Christian women. Here is the simplified version that I have written on my chalkboard right now as a daily reminder for me to change the way I think about my children:

GOD SAYS:

1.       Children are a gift, NOT a punishment.

2.       Children are a reward, NOT a curse.

3.       Children are a standard of measure for God’s favor and blessing on a man – OR WOMAN.

So STOP cursing your man, your children, yourself, and your God for the fact that you fell for you husband’s dashingly good looks. I don’t care where they came from or how they got here or in what season of your life they appeared – God is showing His exclusive love for you in the existence of your children! Like a prism, there are so many facets to how God shows His love for you in the existence of your children; but I don’t have time to touch on them all right at this moment. Just read your Bible and find out for yourself. 😉

I do, however want to touch very briefly on what is clearly laid out in the first part of this Psalm; and that is the fact that our job – our calling – as mothers, as hard as it is, is actually in vain without the help of Christ. I can tell you this just from firsthand experience.

For nearly the entirety of Katie’s first year of life, I tried to do this mom thing all by myself. My husband and I did not enter parenthood very gracefully. I’m not sure that very many people do, to be honest. If Katie had a memory that reached that far back, she would tell you traumatizing stories of a mama who yelled and screamed and said so many hurtful things to such a tiny, helpless child. A mama who voiced thoughts about giving her away and who drove on the wrong side of the road too many times. To say that I struggled, would be an understatement. Pointblank: Motherhood does not come naturally, no matter what the diaper commercials would have you believe.

I was not loving, I was not joyful, I did not have peace. I was severely impatient, kindness was nowhere in my vocabulary – I was not even gentle. These are things it pains me to admit to anyone reading this; but I want to get across to you that motherhood is definitely all about those fruits of the Spirit; and you cannot achieve those without abiding in Christ.

(Going back to the verses in Psalm 127) In raising our children, are we not building a house? We all guard our kids zealously from everything from the flu, to strangers in the parking lot. And I don’t know about you, but just to get the majority of my to-do list done each day and to take care of everyday needs, I am usually up way before my husband and kids and I’m always the last to tuck in for the night. In a few words: my labor can definitely be painful and exhausting.

God doesn’t say here that all of these things are bad. In fact, He has an entire Proverb (31) devoted to praising such a daily routine. What He is trying to get across to us (and which is also basically the entire message of Ecclesiastes) is that we can work so so hard as mothers and be so so faithful in this calling, but if we try to do it without Him, it is not even worth it. We are wasting our time, then; and that is stated very clearly by the use of the words “in vain” in this chapter.

So many blessings can belong to us and our families if we, as mothers and wives, would do this with the help of the Lord. Y’all, in the very least, the greatest of encouragement would be ours. Instead of being confused and fraught with depression because we are listening to the lies around us, we could be strong, and hopeful and, yes, even joyful in this calling by countering those lies with real Truth.

Think about it.

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Matthew 11:28-29

I'm So Stressed I'm Laughing

Hey y’all,

WHAT A MORNING. Seriously. And boy what a weekend. My last post was about handling feelings of anxiousness and just our overall emotions in times of trouble. You know why I wrote such a post? You guessed it. Because I’ve been struggling. Since I started having babies, but also over this weekend.

We spent Saturday afternoon watching the Iron Bowl at my in-laws’ house because we’re rival teams and War Eagle. 😉 Since Jacob was off for Thanksgiving last Thursday, he had to make it up on Saturday. He met us at his mom’s when he got off of work that afternoon and caught the second half of the game (hardly worth watching, but I digress). My mother-in-law insisted on keeping both kids over night so we wouldn’t have to make the drive back out after breakfast in the morning – she usually gets the kids all day on Sundays to get some time in with them and to let Jacob and I have a break and some time to ourselves. Yes, I have extremely generous family, I am well aware. <3

It would be Mason’s first night away from me; and needless to say I was super anxious about it, but was grateful for such a night and Sunday of possibilities. (At around ten that night I went to the bathroom on the kids’ end of the house and shouted, “I CAN BE AS LOUD AS I WANT AND USE THIS MORE CONVENIENT BATHROOM BECAUSE THERE ARE NO SLEEPING CHILDREN” It was grand.)

Jacob and his mom worked together to get me out of her home without babies in tow and since we had driven separately, I followed Jacob the fifteen minutes back home.

Roughly two minutes from the house, I ran something over. It was firm and smelled like a skunk? but didn’t feel serious and we made it home just fine. I pulled into the garage and got out of my car and there was coolant pouring everywhere and I had some kind of hose dragging the ground. Lovely.

Jacob only stood there in shock for a minute before sliding under the front of my car. He tugged on a plastic piece and even more liquid spilled out of my engine area.

He spent Sunday (his only day off for the weekend) under the hood of my car, only to declare grimly that my radiator was pretty much totaled and probably so was my AC condenser. It took him about an hour to finally decide that he would, indeed, order the part and make the repair himself. (For anyone who doesn’t know, Volvos are evidently a pain in the butt and unnecessarily difficult for mechanics. And Jacob absolutely hates working on cars.) Then he told me that his truck hasn’t been wanting to start all week. He gets it there, but with much effort. It needs a fuel pump, he informs me now. A roughly $300 part now on top of a $200 part for my radiator. And my car isn’t going anywhere until we can find one and he can find the time to install it. We both turn to the Mustang – the fancy car that we’re making payments on that’s been sitting in the garage because we have kids now and it has no battery so it can’t move anyway. And it’s Christmas and this happened last year and I need to run to Sam’s Club desperately to spend $100 on diapers. Talk about depressing. Talk about feeling all kinds of anxiety.

Fast forward to Monday morning. I slept great and therefore woke up super motivated to tackle my to-do list – or at least, the half I got to write down before getting interrupted.

• ·         Ride Skye at 6am – check
• ·         Get bucked off Skye at 6:30 – check
• ·         Make coffee for husband before jumping into shower and (finally) shaving – check, check
• ·         Begin work on Christmas letter while kids are sleeping and actually DRINK COFFEE WHILE IT’S HOT – check and check. I even added a drop or two of peppermint as a trial run on it’s energetic and festively tasty qualities. Boy am I glad I did…

The rest of the morning proceeded as follows:

• ·         Begin breakfast for children and realize that I have no cash to pay the farrier who texted me late the night before asking if I was available for him to come work on the horses.
• ·         Dash around like a mad woman, getting children dressed and in the truck after finishing half their breakfast so that we can get to the bank and back before the farrier shows up. Praying the truck actually starts.
• ·         Get to the bank thirty minutes too early. Kids are hungry. I’m hungry. Farrier texts and asks to push the time back to an hour later. I agree gratefully.
• ·         Go back home and finish breakfast. Begin laundry and start unloading dishwasher only to answer a call from Mom to tell me they have a stomach bug we may have picked up and my brother had a car accident. Spend time in tear-filled prayer thanking the Lord that he’s ok.
• ·         Swoop not-hungry kids back into the truck to go back to the bank and praying again that the truck will start at least one more time.
• ·         Get home, kids scatter to play, I start on the kitchen again only for the farrier to show up ten seconds later.
• ·         Drag play pen out into unexpectedly cold morning so Mason can play in the sun. Look for scattered articles of clothing so we can all go and hold horses for the farrier. While we’re outside, I realize the cat escaped into the attic while we were dragging out our 9ft Christmas tree last night. So now it looks like Christmas threw up in my front room with a half-fluffed 9fter, and the cat is screaming from the eaves of the house. The kids want inside, then they want outside, then they want inside….etc.
• ·         Pay the farrier, put the kids on toy cars in the house, go upstairs to rescue “starving” cat. That took a solid 15 minutes.
• ·         Serve lunch and start again on kitchen only to have a gentleman knock on my door from the pipeline company asking if they could use our driveway to get to the pipeline on our property to do some work. YES, JUST LET ME CLEAN MY KITCHEN.
• ·         I have lunch because I’m feeling queasy. Listen to my “potty trained” toddler strum on my guitar and sing a song about how she’s pooped in her pants instead of on the potty. Fix that situation and scrape my bowl into a leftovers container for later.
• ·         FINISH the kitchen, gosh dang it, while the cat tells me how she never thought she would see the light of day again and she still thinks she’ll never see a crumb of food for the rest of her life. Calm down.
• ·         Start another load of laundry. Answer a call from a grandmother. Feed the dang cat who runs in, grabs two bites, then takes a bath between my feet. Seriously?
• ·         Try to practice Christmas carols on the piano. End up reading to my kids instead.
• ·         Serve a snack because oops lunch was early.
• ·         NAPS.

And here we are, gosh a’mighty. My phone has been going off with texts while I type this post; and roughly ten minutes ago the mail lady came roaring up the driveway, laying on her horn right outside Katie Jo’s window…

I’m diffusing my bedtime blend from last night and it’s helping me feel less frayed. This mama needs a cup of tea and a nap. I can’t wait to get a hug from my husband later.

A Word About Mental Health + Faith + Essential Oils

Hey y’all,

I get just as annoyed with all the “essential oils” sales pitches that are all over my Facebook feed as the next person does. I have been almost completely turned off by the idea of even looking into their relevance because of obnoxious sales gurus who send me all kinds of evites and copy/pasted messages that they’re sending to all of their contacts, just trying to get me to buy from them. Or at least, that’s how they come across. I get so sick of it.

Then I met a new mom friend at an annual homeschool camp that my folks have been attending for the last ten years. It happens in October every year and it’s a weekend filled with fellowship of like-minded people – swapping horrific stories about homeschooling their horrific children for the moms, football for the dads (who all always have television sets and radios tuned in, hooked to their campers on the outside so they can share the fun), and game after game of volleyball for all of the kids, young and old. I even got to play this year after sitting out the last two years, due to my condition of being, how shall I say? As round as the volleyball itself and even more ready to pop.

One of the biggest reasons I went to Dixon this year was to meet a new mom friend that my Mom had told me about. She had four girls my kids’ ages and people were trying to talk her into coming, too.

“I commend her if she does, and I don’t blame her if she doesn’t,” I told my mom with raised eyebrows. Thanks for destroying my ego as SuperMom, Hope. 😉 

Seriously, though. She came, we met, and we hit it off. She told me she had just moved near my area and we swapped phone numbers and promised to schedule a playdate asap. Of course I went home and stalked her on Facebook.

“Oh no,” I said to Jacob beside me in bed. “She does the oils thing. I don’t know if we can be friends.” (That’s how turned off I was to these kinds of people. They can be so obnoxious.)

But this gal isn’t. She even invited me to a “make and take” oils party that was geared up more so that we could spend some more time together. I even went. And I even left Jacob home with the kids to do bedtime without me and I even took my mom. I didn’t want to be rude, and I was genuinely curious about these oils. Especially if party food was involved.

She told us a little bit about how she got started on oils. (Her dad is a doctor, actually.) She also told us a lot about why she had finally decided on the company she buys her oils from and a lot about what kind of company it was. 

I won’t mention any names because I’m not trying to push a sale or anything like that. But, y’all, she sold me. It wasn’t even about the oils; I wanted to be involved in helping people’s lives for the better like this company seems to do. The oils were just the bonus; and what a bonus they have been!

I saw a mom friend of mine recently send out a post on Facebook about how defeated she feels in being a mom. She feels things like anger, frustration, shame, guilt, stress overload, loneliness – I’m paraphrasing here, but don’t we all feel the same as she does at one time or another (or maybe all the time)? Even if you’re not a mom, these emotions may be a huge part of your daily routine – maybe even a huge part of who you have become. But they are not who you are. Especially if you are a Christian.

Read that last part again because it is so important. These (especially the added problems of depression and anxiety) have been my faithful companions for many years. I have always struggled. But one thing that always manages to keep my head above the waves (check out the song “Oceans” by Hillsong United) is to remember that these are normal feelings during the process of sanctification – which is something I will be constantly struggling through until I reach perfection in Heaven only. They are normal feelings, but they do not define who I am. Who I am as a Christian woman is so much more powerful than those labels I may tend to give myself and my days. I say they are normal, because if we desire and strive to be better than we are, then it only makes sense that on some days at least, we would be frustrated and even angry with not becoming that better person yet.

My God is not finished with me. I can see that almost every second that I am a parent and my two toddlers are awake. I struggle almost every minute of this journey, and the fight against those feelings seems overwhelming and too hard. But I have hope because I know that I do not fight in vain. I have hope and forgiveness for myself each morning because that’s when God has hope and forgiveness for me, too. (New morning mercies, anyone?) Open your Bible – it is all about second chances. And third ones, and tenth ones, and one-hundred-and-tenth-chances. How’s that for encouragement? Lean on the Lord, lovely lady. He said to everyone who feels like they are carrying a burden that just feels too heavy, to come and simply give it to Him. He will carry it for you. Because He cares about you. Read Hebrews: He is empathetic. Read the Psalms: He is near to you. Read the Old Testament: He is a God of many chances. Read His Words: they are only encouragement to the believer.

This is something He has been putting heavily on my heart lately. On my chalkboard in my kitchen last week I had to write out, “Just like divorce is not an option in my marriage, yelling is not an option in my parenting,” to remind myself to speak softly; because Mason getting all four of his front teeth at the same time that I’m trying to potty train his older sister just seems unbearable as the daily routine/headache that it has all become. (And don’t let anyone fool you: potty training is definitely worse than labor.) Thus, the Lord introduced me to a new arsenal of weapons to have in my inventory to fight against that old me that I struggle to put off and keep off.

The night of the make-and-take party we swiped a happy rollerball on our wrists and made a couple of our choosing to take home with us. (I have been struggling with insomnia for a few months now, so I made a relaxation rollerball, and then went along with everyone’s choice of an immunity-booster.) I walked in the door at home later that evening to an unhappy husband who claimed to have been feeling sick all day and that the kids had been horrendous. Normally, I would have made some unsympathetic comments along the lines of “welcome to my world” or “of course you’re sick the one night I would like to escape.” But I didn’t even have the desire. I was strangely compassionate (ask my loved ones, they will tell you how terrible I really am at that).

I had ordered a kit of oils complete with a diffuser at the party to try them out for myself (and to begin investing our money in growing communities around the world). When it arrived only a few short days later, I began reading the book that came with it that explained the benefits of each oil. In the mean time, I had been swiping away with the relaxation rollerball I made and had noticed a major difference in my attitude. Then I read a little about the science behind essential oils and it suddenly clicked for me: As someone who has rapid misfires and balancing issues when it comes to hormones, if I could somehow chemically change those hormones that are polluting my brain – kind of like hacking the system – why wouldn’t I?? What if when I recognize that Monster Mommy is coming out, especially over something insignificant – what if I diffused a counteracting fragrance that were to deal a serious blow to the steam she was picking up? I tried it. Over and over and over. It has worked wonders.

I was reading the Creation story to Mason the other night before bed and was suddenly struck. God created every living plant, complete with all of its current properties. We were instructed to cultivate the land and its vegetation; and suddenly it made sense that these oils from these plants were being such a helper to me in my desire to be better: they were created by my loving God who helps me every day.

My point is, though, that it’s time to recognize what helps you to become better than the person your emotions want you to be. Enough being dragged down. Declare war on that old person and put them off, as the Bible says, just as if you were taking off a coat and laying it aside.

For me, as a Christian woman, my helper is the Holy Spirit; and He is using tools such as His Word (my Bible), these essential oils, fellowship with like-minded women, and other things – like this podcast that my mom recommended to me. I’m addicted and I listen to it every time I head to town thirty minutes away. It is such wonderful and sound teaching. I encourage all women to listen to this podcast regularly.

But seriously, anything will do. I sometimes tune in to encouraging music on my radio, or sing encouraging songs that I know – I especially do this as two toddlers scream over the top of me while they are taking a bath. I found singing such songs as “JesusDraw Me Ever Nearer” helps to keep me grounded when I must plow through with a task, regardless of how my kids feel about it. Fun fact: I used to sing this song while rocking Katie during a rough night. Sometimes I growled it, sometimes I wept.

Sometimes having soft instrumental music playing in the background of my home while I tend to chores and children helps to set the mood of the house. Sometimes taking fifteen minutes to read an encouraging book or blog post (or my Bible) while Katie is on the potty. I write uplifting phrases on the menuboard in my kitchen regularly. I diffuse lavender or citrus scents in my living room to help diffuse any negative emotion that I – or even my kids – may unknowingly have lurking in the back of our mind. I use my manners with my children because even that little thing helps to put me in a better mood when “dealing with” them.

Mental health is just as important as your physical health -- it is a part of your physical health, because technically speaking, your brain is a muscle. 

If you’re really struggling, sweet friend, then I strongly advise you to find someone that you would feel comfortable talking to on a regular basis. An accountability partner, of sorts. Taking care of yourself -- especially your mental health -- can have a major positive impact on your kids. Praying definitely helps me, but sometimes I do need a little extra “kick in the pants” or encouragement. That can come from someone that God has placed in our lives, though be discerning who you choose.

My heart goes out to any hurting mamas, or anyone struggling with such feelings in general.

Remember it’s a bad day, but never a bad life.

Inside My Home: My Master Bedroom and Bathroom, Laundry Room, and Garage

Hey y'all,

Oh my gosh, I actually got the master end of the house clean enough to take pictures!

Without further adieu, let me begin what will be the final "Inside My Home" post for the time being:

Upon walking in the door. The kitchen would be to your right,
the laundry room to your left, and the door to the garage behind you.

That door leads into the master bathroom.
Yes, that is a built-in book shelf. 

Ok, the open door goes to the hall/kitchen/garage/laundry room.
The door with the window and blinds goes to the back porch. (I know. It's nice.)
The third door is my closet. 

Not an ideal set-up, obviously; we're still working out some of the kinks.
Notice the standing fan because, it's the South, ladies and gentlemen. 

That door to the left of the dresser is Jacob's closet. No, he can't
open it all the way. I said kinks, remember?
Also, that bookshelf/cabinet combo was the first bookshelf we ever owned.
*sniff sniff* A gas fireplace will eventually go where it stands in our bedroom now.
We've got the hookups, just no actual fireplace.

You guys like my "bathroom scrubbing" apron? 

Tada!! The reason my room is so clean: I relocated the mess.
Just kidding. This walk-in to the left of the bathroom always looks
like this. It is it's own mess entirely.

There was a door here, separating the toilet and shower room from the sink room; but it made the already crampy bathroom feel even smaller, so Jacob and I took it off. Someday I dream of taking down all the sectioning walls and making it one big space with a separate tub and shower. Ahhhhh.
(There's also a door closing off that walk-in mess, but I'm trying to be real with you guys.)

This is that "hallway" right outside the master bedroom door.
This is the view you would have from the kitchen. There is a
pocket sliding door to section off this hallway and it's rooms
from the kitchen, which is nice.
To the left would be our two-car garage...

....tada! And we'll just breeze through the mess that is our garage because, really, who even has the time for that??

I try to think of it as an organized chaos.
My husband just laughs at me or covers his face with his hands.

This is officially my "tack and feed" area. lol My two saddles are stacked together here (I have one western and one English). Jacob's saddle is on a stand in the horse trailer with all of our brushes and things. 

These are some frames I have hanging in that "master hallway".
I wanted to them to you because they are special to me.
The top is Katie's first ever trip to the beach when we camped with her
in Pensacola when she was roughly 6 months old and I was 3 months
pregnant with Mason.
Back before we didn't have kids and therefore not a real care in the world
(ha ha) we used to just load a duffel bag in the Mustang and drive down to
the coast for a night or a weekend. The bottom frame holds pictures from 2
of those trips (Orange Beach, AL, and Long Beach, MS) and the middle one
is from the West Coast on an island off the coast of Washington.
Fun fact: Jacob and I broke up after that trip to WA three Octobers ago.

So that's my master area/laundry room/garage. Some parts are nice to look at, others not so much (here's looking at you, spare closet). 

I'm glad you "came over" and took the tour so I could have a chance to show off the wonderful home I have been so blessed with. You are always welcome. 

Now enjoy some final pictures of what's been going on at our house this week.

Starting driving lessons early while we were working on vehicle maintenance over the weekend.

She told me we were taking hay to the horses. 

You have such a nice smile, my wonderful girl.

I got to go on a ride with my guy!

He loves riding (and selfies). <3 

And today we learned that trail riding is life to this girl. It was like riding a completely different horse the moment her hooves touched our first real trail ride!

The Last Week Or So (and It's More Pictures Than Post)

Hey y'all,

September 22nd is officially the first day of fall; yet down here in the South, the weather will declare otherwise until as late as November some years.
Oh, we will decorate with all of the pinecones, acorns, and fall leaves; and we will light those orange, red, and russet-colored scented candles as soon as the kids are back in school. Those of us that are more stubborn will even break out the flannels and black leggings complete with suede booties, though we will be drowning in the humidity and dying in the heat.
Southerners await the first real day of autumn like we await Christmas morning. Except there's an added level of mystery because we have no idea when that first crisp fall morning will be.

I am ecstatic to inform you that that first glorious fall morning greeted us here in the South this very morning, Thursday, October 11, 2018. Mid-50's temperatures while sipping my cup of coffee over my book on the back porch this morning, watching the sun rise; and we are peaking in the mid-70's this afternoon. Hallelujah, praise the Lord for the change of the seasons and the relief from an oppressive summer! (Clearly this was written with the best of intentions a couple of days ago. #momlife)

The kids and I took full advantage of such wonderful weather. We ran errands around town and finished the morning outing with a romp at the park down the street.

Another reason I haven't been posting as much: a new computer.
I discovered a brand new HP touch screen laptop complete with Windows 10 in the "electricals cabinet" when I was looking for a cord to a television. I haven't had a newer computer since my college Asus I received upon graduating highschool -- and that didn't last a year due to moving furniture upstairs during my freshman summer.
I went computerless my sophomore year (don't even ask me how I did it) and then I received my grandmother's hand-me-down, then 8 year old HP giant laptop. The disc drive falls out, some of the keys are missing, most of them don't work (I use a bluetooth keyboard my husband bought for other purposes), it takes 3 years to load a web browser, and sometimes it crashes.

So imagine the feeling I had upon finding my father-in-law's unwanted brand new laptop. TOUCH SCREEN, SMALL, NEW, AND WINDOWS 10.

Now imagine how much I'm having to relearn, going from Windows Vista to Windows 10 and you're beginning to realize why I haven't been blogging this week.
Also, I upload a lot of pictures to keep you in the loop, and I'm slowly transferring all of our memories from the Dinosaur to discs -- but the disc drive falls out.... yeahhhhh It's slow going, to say the least.

Also: we went to the zoo! (Pictures to come in another post. sorry.) Our first time to the one in Hattiesburg (my kids' first time to a zoo, period). It's a smaller zoo about an hour's drive from home; but well done and perfect for my kids! They were disappointed at the lack of elephants (as an Auburn fan, we're going to have to talk about the obsession with elephants... this just will not do); but they loved all the different kinds of monkeys and birds that were featured! The sloths were a big hit, as were the zebras we saw while riding the train around the perimeter of the zoo.
We stopped in the gift shop at the end because zoos and aquariums have always been a thing Jacob and I do and we always get a memento. Within 5 seconds, Katie had picked out a fluffy pink flamingo ("Flamingo and John! Sarah and Duck!") and Mason had snagged an elephant while I was looking at yo-yos and refrigerator magnets.
We went with Marmie (my mom) and Aunt Caroline(12) and Uncle Micah(8); we shall soon visit again with Dada -- especially before Katie's next birthday, as she gets in free until she's 2.

Wrap up (so I can go ride horses in this wonderful weather just as soon as I go talk to my almost-2-year-old about the necessity of nap time): I got a new computer, the kids are living the life, we went to the zoo, AND IT'S FINALLY FEELING LIKE FALL IN THE SOUTH. That is all.

My hair is finally long enough for curls!